By: Brian Harris
Here’s three simple questions that can help to get things into perspective when you’re facing a difficult situation.
The old ditty goes “Two men looked out through prison bars, the one saw mud, the other, stars”. I have always been intrigued by the very different responses people have to the same situation. What is a catastrophe for one, is an exciting adventure for another, what leads to a response of indifference from one person, sees another almost besides themself with indignation.
While the difference in people’s responses is interesting, I have come to realise that far more is at stake. Some responses are life serving and lead to health and wholeness, while others shrink us, and see us become so much less than we could be.
It was one of the themes of Jesus – having eyes, but not seeing through them; having ears, but not hearing with them. He even noted that we sometimes muddle light and darkness, Matt 6:22-23 recording him saying: “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!“
I recently came across three questions psychologist Martin Seligman suggests we ask when we are in a difficult situation. Seligman’s questions help to break the problem up in a way that helps us to keep perspective. They are:
One: How permanent is this issue?
Is it likely to last hours, days, weeks, months, years or for the rest of your life? The answer makes a difference! Sometimes we spend an inordinate amount of time sweating over something that will last for a few minutes or at worst, a few hours. Actually, the exam you face and must study for now will be over within a few days. It won’t be too long before you don’t remember what your result was – indeed, you will have forgotten the exam altogether. So study hard, and don’t overreact.
When I’m about to face a difficult challenge, I like to remind myself of the TTT question: This Time Tomorrow what will I be doing and thinking about? Often the answer is “this time tomorrow it will be over”. Keep perspective.
But what if the answer to the TTT question is “It will still be there. Only it is likely to be a little worse. Actually, this gets progressively worse.” Realistically this is sometimes the answer. If you face a terminal diagnosis, a “smile, it will soon be over” approach is unlikely to be of much comfort. Its at times like this that the promises of the Christian faith can provide enormous comfort. It is worth remembering Paul’s promise that “our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2Cor 4:17-18). That’s a perspective shaping insight.
Two: How pervasive is this issue?
Annoying though some things are, many irritants only impact a small part of our life. Acting as though they are the whole is a quick way to lose perspective. Yes, it is sad that an investment you made turned south, but is it the totality of your life? It’s worth asking the “What remains?” question. In the vast majority of cases, most things remain. The sun still shines, there is still beautiful music to listen to, and there are friends to chat to (or new friends to make). If all else fails, your dog still loves you (unless the problem is that your dog just died!)
No, I am not talking about denying difficult situations. To the contrary, it is important that we face everything in life. But if we are to have the courage to genuinely face the complex and painful, we need an accurate reminder of the wider context in which we begin our exploration, else it soon seems overwhelming. It becomes everything, instead of the part (but not whole) of the life we have. It goes back to perspective, and not losing it.
Three: What agency do I have in facing this?
This is perhaps the most important of the three questions. It invites action.
If I elect not to act, it challenges me to own my decision, and to be curious about it. “Why didn’t I act?” Perhaps the answer is: “Why would I? It’s not big enough to justify the effort.” Fair enough. If it didn’t justify action, stop being so tragic about it. You have already decided that it is not a big deal.
Perhaps the answer is more confronting. Some people don’t act because they are afraid of the outcome (I might offend someone whose good opinion I value), or because they aren’t confident their actions will make a difference (I accept many people could sort this out easily, but it is beyond my skillset) or because… well, there are many possibilities. View your answer as a friend, an aid to understanding yourself better, rather than as an enemy. Be suspicious of answers in the “They won’t let me” category. Yes, sometimes that is an accurate answer, but far less often than people claim. It can be an unhelpful “get out of jail free” card we use to avoid the hard work of change and growth.
I might not be able to do all that I want, but that is not the same as saying I have no agency. I might not be able to do everything, but what can I do? This is the sphere of personal freedom and growth.
Doing what we can realistically do is a path to serenity, self-respect and often joy. Don’t be afraid of the “Have I done what I could?” question. Answer it both honestly and kindly. No, you haven’t transformed the world, but then it wasn’t ever a realistic option. The question, “Have I done what I could?” is so much more pertinent. And a little prompt. Most of us can do a little more than we initially imagine. Set stretch (but not snap) targets.
What if I genuinely don’t have agency?
I might have to accept that the aggressive cancer I face isn’t going away, or that the marriage really is over, or that I really am never going to be good enough to get into any World Cup soccer team! The Stoics have good insight here – accept what cannot be changed, and face it with courage.
Followers of Jesus have an additional resource. It is simply to trust in the goodness, mercy and sovereignty of God. Paul writes “I can do all things through Christ who give me strength” (Phil 4:13). I don’t think he would object if we slightly rephrased this to “I can face all things though Christ who gives me strength.” Dante writes, “In His will is our peace”, while Julian of Norwich encourages us to embrace the conviction that “all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well”.
Two men looked out through prison bars, the one saw mud, the other stars. It’s about perspective, and perspective is helped if we ask the how permanent, how pervasive and what agency do I have, questions. Perhaps you could ask them now…
Article supplied with thanks to Brian Harris.
About the Author: Brian is a speaker, teacher, leader, writer, author and respected theologian who is founding director of the AVENIR Leadership Institute, fostering leaders who will make a positive impact on the world.
Feature image: Canva
